Birdemic is easily the greatest movie of all time. This is cinema at its absolute finest. Nothing will ever come close to its greatness. The Godfather? Garbage compared to Birdemic. The Shawshank Redemption? Pales in comparison to that is the almighty Birdemic.
In reality, Birdemic is terrible. Nothing is executed well. It has some of the worst acting you will ever see. The cinematography is inept. The script is excruciatingly cringe-worthy. The special effects look like they were made in Microsoft Paint. The movie is a blatant ripoff of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, except infinitely worse. The movie begins with a four minute sequence of the main character driving around town, with the same terrible music looping every 30 seconds. Sound editing is nonexistent, the audio consistently committing ear-rape on the viewer. For no reason at all, the audio will constantly cut in and out, and often the dialogue cannot be heard due to excess background noise. The very first line in the movie, "Hi", spoken by a waitress, sounds like an alien speaking in its native tongue.
The story begins with the main character, Rod, eating at a restaurant. He then spots a girl named Natalie that he finds attractive, and immediately follows her out and walks behind her for a little bit. He finally approaches her, saying that he remembers her from somewhere. At first he can't remember from where, but two seconds later he remembers that she sat exactly two seats in front of him in English class senior year. He then asks her if she is from around here, which makes absolutely no sense since he just said they went to the same school. While not remembering Rod at all, who is coming off like a creepy stalker, she inexplicably gives him her number. Next, we see Rod at home, eating a donut and watching the most fake looking news channel of all time. In this scene we learn that the movie has an environmentally conscious theme, to be explored much more later. Cut to another five minutes of Rod driving, with more terrible 30 second long music, and terrible camera shots, with whoever is controlling the camera being unable to follow the car and keep it in frame. Eventually, when he is back at home, a man comes to his house to install solar panels on his roof. You can't understand a word the guy says and the scene is pointless. Next.
Later, we see Natalie, a model, doing a photo shoot at a 1-hour photo store. After, she gets a call from her agent saying that Victoria's Secret wants her to be their new cover girl. It makes no sense at all, the director's an idiot. Rod calls and asks Natalie out on a date, but first he asks how her day has been. After she tells him about Victoria's Secret, he responds: "I bet you'll look great in those lingerie". After saying this she somehow enthusiastically agrees to go on a date with Rod, because the director actually thinks these characters are hitting it off great and have fantastic chemistry. At the date, we learn Rod is in sales, because he says it fits his personality. The only problem is, Rod has no personality at all. He is the most boring, monotoned, dull face, cardboard cutout protagonist imaginable. The way he talks about his goals is as if he is in a job interview. In the end, the date goes well, but only because the script says it does. In reality it is one of the most awkward dates ever. But whatever. The next day we meet Natalie's mom for no reason, other than the purpose of recapping everything that has happened in the first 30 minutes.
The next day, at Rod's work it is announced the company is being bought. Suffice it to say it is the greatest scene of all time. I have no words for it. It is perfection, just watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nObH1R9ONw
Yadda yadda yadda, plot happens, terrible acting is abundant, Natalie's mom talks about retirement in another pointlessly boring scene, Rod and Natalie awkwardly dance to a song at a bar for a full three minutes, the most uncomfortable sex scene occurs, beginning with Rod saying: "You look...fine". We're over 40 minutes into this 90 minute movie, and you ask yourself, "Where are the birds?!?!" And then all of a sudden, after the terrible, awkward sex scene, just wanting to see some bird attacks, you immediately regret it all and just want to go back to the terrible romantic subplot. Why? This is why: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMXHb9wcRNE
But wait, it gets so much better. Cut to our characters having to viciously fight off killer birds, in what is easily the greatest use of CGI in the history of movies: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrxZblVUkMU
They're using wire hangers to fend off killer birds. Wire hangers. I'm done with life.
Then after getting in the car, they somehow have M4 assault rifles to shoot down the birds? What??? This pretty much repeats and goes on for a while. Eventually they meet some scientist on a bridge who talks about global warming and fossil fuels, etc., to further promote the ungodly amount of preachiness in this movie. Oh, also, earlier in the movie, after Rod and Natalie go on a double date to the movies, Rod says: "Man, that was a good movie: An Inconvenient Truth" (An Inconvenient Truth is an actual documentary about global warming). Can the director get any more heavy handed with the environment theme? Whatever. Next. Birds puke acid on people. They die. Okay. Rod and Natalie, oh and some kids they found (the reason I just now remembered to mention them is because that's how useless and forgetful they are in this movie) go to a gas station to get some gas. The worker, who I swear is the actual owner of the gas station and was asked at the last minute if he wanted to be in the movie, says gas is $100 a gallon. Makes sense. Then they see a man on the highway who needs help, so they pul over. The man asks to buy some gas from them, Rod says no, they need it. The man then pulls out a gun, and says, and I quote: "You're gonna sell me some gas now". That's some really harsh demands there. He takes a gallon of gas from them, then immediately after has his throat sliced by a bird. This is the greatest movie.
They later come across a tree hugger in the woods, who talks about how humans are destroying wildlife, again furthering the insane environment preaching this movie does. Next, in the ultimate climax of the movie, our heroes and the kids are stranded on the beach, dozens of birds about to swarm down on them, and then, all of a sudden, they fly away. Done. Movie's over. Not even kidding. The final shot of Rod, Natalie, and the kids looking out at the water watching the birds fly away lasts like two minutes before the credits role. I am dead.
This movie is horrendous, nothing about it is well done. The best part is that the director of the movie actually thinks this is a good, legit, scary movie he made. In interviews, he is unable to grasp that his movie is a complete joke. The fact that this movie took four years to make is astounding. Even better, most of the names in the credits are completely fake. The director made them up to make the movie seem more professional. It didn't work.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror, is a terrible movie. It is 90 minutes long, but 3/4 of it are pointless scenes of driving and stupid expository dialogue. However, it is incredibly entertaining to watch and is absolutely hilarious. This, as well as the all time classic movie The Room, is the ultimate party movie to watch with friends. It is obvious as to why it has become such a cult classic, as it is so easy and fun to rip apart and make fun of. It is the epitome of "it's so bad it's good".
There's also a sequel, Birdemic 2: The Resurrection. It's supposed to be just as terrible. I can't wait to watch it.
2/10
